Claire loves falling asleep cuddled in bed with Julie … but this is sometimes dangerous! Julie – our quiet “good” child for so long – has started to tease her sister, as all big sisters eventually do. Two nights ago a fight erupted because Julie kept sneaking her hand up to pull Claire’s hair. I imagine she didn’t realize I could see the look of concentration and purpose on her face every time she reached up … but even if I didn’t I would have noticed the slight upward tilt to the corner of her mouth and the cringe of expectation before Claire’s yell. I sometimes sigh at the loss of peace, the sight of teary blue eyes and Claire’s quivering lips … and then I turn and see Julie’s big brown eyes staring without seeing much, her head turned to make optimal use of her unique style of hearing, a little smile on the corner of her mouth as if to say, “Look what I accomplished today!”

While Claire was still in the Pediatric Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, we visited her every day with no concept of emerging sibling issues.  Julie held little Claire, grinned in delight every time she cried, and helped to bathe her.  When we left, leaving Claire in PICU for yet another day, we took Julie home as the Princess of the Castle.  After signing Claire out of  PICU a month later, I set up the house in the most logical way I could.  I wanted to cope well, and I also wanted to “include” Julie as much as possible in the experience.  Mistakenly, I assumed that Julie was as excited about the new baby coming home as I was, and I modified the environment to maximize Julie’s “help”  with the baby.

When bathing Claire, I used a gardening tray (brand new)  so that eight year old Julie could reach in and assist me.  Claire was so tiny – only four pounds upon discharge – and we went about our task with great care.  Julie stood in her hartwalker and “helped” to bathe Claire.  My heart melted to see my two girls finally together at home.   I thought that the experience was wonderful!  Halfway into the endeavor I noticed a strange look on Claire’s face that I couldn’t fathom.  She wasn’t crying, so it took me a moment to notice that Julie was determinedly biting Claire’s toe.  By the time I separated the two, Claire was now crying, Julie was reeling in shock that I had yelled at her (I wonder if it was the first time I had ever yelled at her?), and the little digit in question was rapidly turning purple and blue.  The toe-biting moment was my first anticipation of a future that was rapidly evolving around me.

Claire grew up, of course, and soon perpetrated her revenge.  The first issue emerged (pardon the pun) when Claire’s teeth popped into the world.  Claire felt a need to test her newly sprouted chompers on everything, including Julie’s arm.  To be really, really honest, I’m sure it was tempting!  Julie provided lots of opportunities whereby she modelled this behavior as she loves to bite her right forearm in a really dramatic way when she is angry.  I have seen this many times with kids who have multiple sensory issues, or kids with autism.  Typically, children who bite themselves may be experiencing frustration,  pain, anger, lack of sensory input, or sensory overload.  I have never prevented Julie from biting herself, as I feel it’s important for me to know when she is needing help or input of any kind.  I see this as my signal that I need to help Julie in some way, as she is feeling desperate.  In general, I am able to help Julie by alleviating her pain, removing her boredom, taking her out of her wheelchair, helping her to the bathroom, feeding her, or putting on her favorite show.  Now that Julie is older, she has gained more control over her world, and this behavior is less frequent.  However, when Claire was little, Julie’s biting behavior increased.  Claire found this fascinating, and decided she wanted in on the fun.  I can still picture the look of chagrin on Julie’s face when she bent down to bite her arm … and Claire beat her to it!  The next few months were particularly tough, as Claire tried to sneak bites onto Julie’s arms whenever I wasn’t looking, making Julie even more angry.

In recent years, I am only accosted by sibling rivalry about once every week on average.  However, the tide has changed direction once again.  Gone are years two to four when Claire bit Julie, pulled her hair, or “assisted” her off the couch where I would find her lying in a heap on the floor.  Instead, I will be driving along in our wheelchair converted mini-van, my two dulcet darlings safely bopping behind me to the sound of the radio, when a screech will intersect the silence.  “M-O-O-O-M!!!!!” Claire will wail.  “Julie’s pulling my hair!!!”  As I glance quickly into my rearview mirror the first item on display is the “guilty as charged” look on Julie’s face, and the second is the moment I see Julie break into a huge, wide grin and then a giggle.

Julie’s pediatrician says that Claire’s yell following Julie’s behavior may create excitement, reinforcing Julie to do this again.  I’ve considered this from every angle and I think that there are other factors we cannot ignore.  Consider this:  The first time I caught Julie in the act I scolded her thoroughly … to her delight!  When I reached the part where I told her she had been naughty she just glowed.  I suddenly realized that Julie was pleased to be considered naughty.  To her, this was a novelty.  Other children were naughty … but this was something Julie had never had a chance to be.  Yes, she has had annoying behaviors over the years, yelled at our music, and kept us awake at night, but there has always been an explanation that has centered on her disabilities or her medical issues.  For the first time though, Julie was choosing to be naughty, and it was mainly because she now had a sister!  Julie’s sister is the target of her naughtiness, but she is also the target of her love.  Without her, she wouldn’t have had a chance to emerge as the person she’s become.

I was lucky to have three amazing sisters.  We fought like crazy during our childhood, but we were all very close.  Likewise, Julie has the greatest possible gift in Claire.  Her love, kindness, laughter, and chatter have brought Julie out of a cloud-land into the sun.  In the same way, Claire glows when Julie says “yes,” allowing Claire to sit on her lap in her wheelchair when they’re out shopping.  Claire cuddles with Julie at night, helps her to pick out clothes, introduces her to her friends with a smile, and has even designated one of her prettiest  brown-eyed dolls as “deafblind.”

Claire and Julie also use their sister-power to conspire against me, having realized long ago that two against one tips the scales.

“Julie wants to get french fries, mommy,” Claire will announce as we drive home from school.

“Hmmm, really?” I say with an uplifted eyebrow.

“Julie, say yes if you want mommy to get french fries?” Claire will ask.

Julie will immediately nod yes and give a little kick with her feet to emphasize her enthusiasm.  “You see!” Claire will announce, with a big smile.  “She said yes and we should listen to her!”

I’m sure the tide will turn back in my favour at some point.  For now, though, I’m lost!  I’m the odd one out against the dreadful duo, and I have no option but to bide my time until Claire has kids of her own.  The signs are all there ….

“Mommy,” Claire declared.  “I’m going to have two children you know!  I have those things in my eyes!”

“What things?” I asked confusedly.

“You know!  Those things!  I have two of them!” she said.

“Which things?”

“Remember ….  daddy used to have them!”

“Oh……” I said, as the light dawned.  “Twinkles!  You have twinkles!”

“Yes,” she said.  “I have two twinkles, so I’m going to have two children!”

Later I asked Claire what she hoped to have:  Boys or girls?  “I don’t know,” she said simply.  “But I hope I have two girls – just like you!”  I felt so amazed at one of those mother-daughter moments, and smiled to myself.  Oh and mommy,” she added, glancing at her innocent looking sister.  “Please hold my icecream so Julie doesn’t get it!”

My amazing sisters: "Anastasia," "Grizelda", me, and "Cinderella"

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